dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
