we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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