I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
