I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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