hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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