I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
