Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
