Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
