I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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