you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
