i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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