Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize