Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
