on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
