You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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