thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
