apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
