She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
