he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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