My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
