I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
