I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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