my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
