i would punch a child for taco bell
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
