Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
