I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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