I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
