i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize