I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
