the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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