watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Your cock deserves a montage
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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