i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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