I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
