haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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