is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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