i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
