he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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