Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
