Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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