Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
