We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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