i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
