I'm going to jail i love you
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
