Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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