Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
