i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
