Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You made out with two different species that night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
