I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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