He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
