your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
