man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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