I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
