So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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