First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
