I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
