then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
