I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
