I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
