Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize