I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
