I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So many bounce houses so little time
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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