i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
